Are You Fooling Yourself?
Recently a coach I’m working with, Deborah Hurwitz, asked two great questions. It’s not that easy to figure out the answers to them, but they are SO worth asking if you really want to move towards your dream life/your destiny/making an impact/ following your calling – whatever phrase it is that pulls at your heart and has you longing to get unstuck.
1) Where am I “justified, but sold out”?
2) Where am I not actually willing to do what I say I want to do (or what I think I need to do) in order to reach my goals?
Both of these questions are useful ones to ask when you find yourself NOT doing something that you SAID you wanted to do. Or NOT moving towards a goal that you SAID you really, really wanted to reach.
Because sometimes the reason that you’re not moving forward is that your inner critic/safety instinct i.e. the very-crafty-and-scared part of yourself has convinced you that you have VERY GOOD REASONS not to take the next step you need to take towards your goal. Probably reasons that people around you also think are VERY GOOD REASONS for you not to move forward.
When that is the case, you are “justified, but sold out” and what you need to do is to call B.S. on yourself and take action even though you don’t feel like it.
Some common examples that indicate you’re probably in this camp are:
● I’m just not the kind of person who works well with deadlines. I’ll do it when it feels right to me.
● It’s the end of the school year and I’m just too busy; it’s not possible.
● I was going to do it, but then X happened and now I can’t.
● I was going to do it, but then my kids/mom/boyfriend needed X and I “had” to…
If you think MAYBE you are B.S.ing yourself, one way to find out is to set a timer for a small amount of time and just do SOMETHING related to your goal. A tiny step.
For example, if you said you were going to train for a marathon, but you haven’t even started walking, set a timer and walk for 5 minutes. Or go online to register for a 5K that’s 8 weeks from now. Ignore the “yeah, buts…” that come up for why this action is too tiny or you really can’t spare 5 minutes or whatever and just DO SOMETHING.
Sometimes the reason that you’re not moving forward is that you actually don’t want to do the thing you say you want to do. You’ve set a goal that isn’t a goal you actually want to reach. You might LIKE to reach it – if you could do so by magic. But you’re not actually willing to do what it takes to get what you say you want. You’re just not being honest with yourself about that reality.
When that’s the case, you DON’T need to take action. You need to step back and admit what’s true. Get honest about what you’re willing to do – and what you’re not. Adjust. Create a new goal or a new picture of what success looks like for you. Otherwise, you’re just going to keep banging your head against a wall, which isn’t useful to anyone.
Like I’d like to have fabulous shapely upper arms if someone wanted to magically give them to me. But that’s not how it works here on planet earth. And the truth is I don’t want Michelle Obama arms as much as I want the other things that fill up my schedule and limit the time I have to do the kind of focused exercise and careful eating I’d need to do to have fabulous shapely upper arms. So, the truth is that I don’t REALLY want them. I’ve adjusted my goal – at least for now – to wanting to love, accept and be grateful for the arms I’ve got. I AM ready to work on my mindset. And accepting my body as it is actually aligns with my feminist and spiritual beliefs. So, that’s a goal I can commit to.
If you’ve got a goal you think you want but you’re not moving forward on it – try asking yourself these questions and see what you find out.
If you still can’t figure out what’s got you stuck, I’d love to help you figure it out, so you can take a next step. Sign up for a free strategy session and we’ll get you out of the gate.
By the way, if you try to sign up for a session and can’t find any times that work for you, contact my assistant Ruby at firstname.lastname@example.org. My regular availability is on weeknights after 7 Pacific time and Sundays from 2-7pm Pacific. Especially for people on the East Coast, the weeknight times are pretty late – so I am willing to work on other options on an individual basis, when I can.