It’s been a tough week for me since when I wrote to you last. Not bad, just challenging. Mainly because, as I mentioned last week, I’ve been stepping out courageously to meet some challenges worth meeting.
Like, for starters, I held my first ever free call which scared the shit out of me for unknown reasons given that I’m used to teaching, and I coach people by phone all the time and one would think that this combo of the two would be no big deal, but for me it was.
The call was for stressed college students who want to finish strong this semester. And because if you’re reading this you all are in my tribe already, I’ll send you the recording if you request it, even if you weren’t on the call. It’s chock full of the strategies I’ve found effective for me and my clients in managing stress and meeting the challenges of the end of the semester. Just shoot me an email at debshine@thriving4equity.com if you want it.
I’ve also done 2 days of interviews for a big, complicated job. I’ll tell you more about it if it happens, but just the interviews were challenging in terms of time and emotion—fun and exciting in many ways, but challenging for sure. In fact, just considering doing this big job while growing my business and expanding my writing requires courage for me – and calming down my inner, “Are you crazy? this is too much!” voice.
And maybe it is crazy. But maybe it isn’t. Because you see, this week, so far, I’m doing it. And so far, all I’ve had to do it this week. Not next week, not even tomorrow.
And that’s all you ever have to do too—this. Right now. The next step.
Read MoreThis morning I had a moment when I realized that despite some challenging circumstances “nothing that truly matters is lacking.”** It was like an infusion of hydration when I was parched with thirst, or an IV of nutrients when my body was functioning on just enough nourishment to keep me alive, but no more. It was an experience of abundance.
Have you ever had a moment like that? When you realized that your perception of what was lacking in your life was more fiction than truth? When you felt the deep sense of calm in the metaphorical midst of the storm, or the famine, when you knew that everything that matters is already here? That you are not alone? That there is no real lack in this moment?
I don’t mean AT ALL that we are supposed to pretend that we don’t feel pain or disappointment or loss.
And I CERTAINLY don’t think it’s our job to tell suffering people that they should just “focus on the bright side.” Empathy is usually a better path in those moments. Empathy and companionship.
But I do know that living with a deep sense of “enoughness” is way better than living with the conviction that the world is mostly about lack, about not having enough, about needing to be perfect to get enough, or needing to fight for, or manipulate other people to get it. And we can easily make a case for either version of life in pretty much any moment – whether the “enough” we’re looking for is enough money, or enough time or enough love, whatever.
Read MoreI did it! On Sunday, Feb. 26, at the age of 49 (and a half!), I finished the Screenland USA 5K—a event celebrating the Centennial Anniversary of my new hometown, Culver City, CA—and when I did, I also finished my first athletic event ever of any kind (outside of P.E. and the annual “Field Day” torture that came with it.)
Mostly the race itself was pretty fun and I’m kinda hooked on the idea of doing another one before I fall back out of shape, but in the meantime I want to take full advantage of my first opportunity to use a sports metaphor for life.
So, without further ado, here are my 5 “Keep-Moving-Towards-a-Life-You-Love” Tips:
When You’re New to Something, the First Mile Can Be the Hardest.
When I first started running as an adult a couple summers ago, my only goal was to be able to run a mile without stopping. Now that I can run 3 miles pretty consistently I’ve noticed that I generally still feel terrible for that first mile.
My experience with running seems to me to mirror a lot of new starts in life. Often it’s the getting started part that’s the hardest, and once you get “in the groove” it’s not so bad. The problem is that often we quit before we get to experience the still-challenging-but-not-so-excruciatingly-hard part that’s just beyond the end of that metaphorical first mile.
Tip #1: When the path to your best life is tough, change your thoughts.
When you’re trying to establish a new habit or start a new project that you’re pretty sure is a path towards a life you’ll love and it’s also seriously HARD, rather than buying into thoughts such as, “This is too hard. I’m too old/young. I’m never going to make it!” assume that you’re in the “first mile” and it will get better down the road. Approach the challenge with curiosity and some hope instead of fear and doom. Make your new mantra, “It’s just the first mile. It’s just the first mile. It will get better if I just keep going.”
Tip #2: Set up incentives—to help you to keep going just a bit farther.
One of my favorite tools for this practice is a timer. When you think you can’t go any farther on a project (or can’t possibly start because you’retoo tired/angry/hungry/short etc.) take a tip I learned from Anna Kunnecke (and the folks who recommend breaking down tasks into Pomodoros) and set a timer — for 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 25 minutes. Whatever time your most rebellious or depressed self can agree to. You just might find that your timer gets you past your “first mile” and (surprise!) you feel able to keep going just a bit farther.
Read MoreHappy New Year!
I feel as if I should be writing about how to set your intentions or goals or something to that effect, as that is what most of the writers I follow are doing, but the problem is that I haven’t set mine, so it would be a bit inauthentic to act as if I’m on top of the whole new year routine.
I did pull out my “Priorities and Goals” folder last weekend (pleased as anything that I knew exactly where it was!), but I still haven’t managed to do more than skim through my 2015 review and 2016 intentions. So, if you wanted to pause and think about what you want out of 2017 and you haven’t done it yet, I’m right there with you! And I want to remind you that we haven’t lost our chance just because it’s past January 1.
I, for one, plan to pause and look back at 2016 and sit with my hopes and intentions for 2017 this coming weekend—and maybe in bits and pieces over the month of January. Maybe you, like me, don’t feel able to find a big chunk of time to do it, but you could schedule a half hour here or there. That’s fine. That’s good. Just do that. Or do nothing, if that feels more appealing. You can still build a great life this year, with or without January goals/intentions/resolutions.
For those who do want to set some intentions for the new year over the course of the month of January I’ll share something each week that might help you as you do.
Today, it’s a great question I was asked by coach Joanna Lindenbaum yesterday, “How do you want to FEEL in 2017?” I love this question. Still pondering it for myself.
I think “delighted,” might be part of my answer, which is interesting considering that this has been a rough few weeks for me in the “delighted” category and not because of anything “technically” all that difficult.
The thing is I’m pretty good at BIG THINGS. Major crisis? I can handle it. But bad weather in Southern California when my oldest son is here for a short visit – I LOSE MY MIND. I scream at my husband and at California itself. “California is sooooo mean! It’s not fair!” I say! I pout. I stomp. I cry. I act as if I am about two-and-a-half-years-old.
The emotional challenge I experience in the face of small everyday disappointments is not new for me (though the frequency has decreased.) What IS new for me is my reaction to my meltdowns (a.k.a. my complete failure to be who I want to be and who I believe I should be in these moments) and to other kinds of failures: missed deadlines, blown budgets, embarrassing outfits, etc.
I want to share with you what’s changed for me because I believe it is a foundational piece of the path towards building a life you love—and loving other people too!
Read MoreWhat would it mean for you to love and nurture yourself without apology?
Pondering this question is a good place to start a journey to find that energized, loving, full-of-life YOU that you haven’t seen much of lately.
I find that for most women (myself included) and some men too, the thought of loving and nurturing oneself without apology is practically unfathomable. It short circuits our brains. We feel confused. Is that even right? Possible?
Isn’t there something wrong with even asking the question?
There are many reasons for our discomfort.
Some are undoubtedly very personal, but many are much bigger than our individual selves. They are rooted in stories we’ve heard our whole lives: about good girls and bad girls, good moms and bad moms, good Christians and bad Christians—you get the idea.
Our discomfort with idea of loving and nurturing ourselves without apology for all the messed-up parts, for all the parts that don’t fit the ideal, is rooted in lessons taught to us directly and indirectly, often by well-meaning adults.
These lessons convince us deep within our souls that we should apologize for taking up space in the world, for having needs, for having opinions, for wanting to be valued for our work, for feeling strong emotions. For many women, there is also an unconscious apology we make for the mistake of being born female in the first place. And if you are a woman who is a member of another undervalued or oppressed group too—if you’re brown-skinned, or poor, or have a physical disability—you know even more stories that encourage you to apologize for being who you are.
“I’m sorry to bother you” we say to the sales clerk whose job it is to help us find and purchase what we need or to the professor whose job it is to answer our questions during his office hours.
“Please forgive me, but may I make a suggestion?” we say as we seek to insert ourselves into a discussion about a topic about which we have more expertise than any of the men in the room who have been easily talking over each other for the past 45 minutes.
These are small examples, but there are bigger ones too. For moms especially, there are often much bigger examples of the ways we apologize for who we are. And this is a problem, not only for ourselves, but for our children and—I would argue—for the world.
Very often as moms we apologize for having needs, or desires, or goals of our own without even realizing that we have done so.
We bury them. We silence them. We numb them. We silence ourselves and our needs before we even get to an outward apology for their intrusion. We apologize through our actions. How?
Read MoreI’m going to go a tiny bit “professor” on you today. I hope you’ll forgive me! I’ll try to make sure that the learning is fun – because making work playful is really kind of the point of this “lesson.”
Without getting too philosophical or delving too deeply into my historical research on the American Play Movement—which is what brought play into schools and simultaneously defined it as less important than the “real work” of academics— I want to encourage you to consider that the very common belief “play is the opposite of work” might be very, very bad for kids, and adults too, for that matter.
Here’s what got me thinking about this today: A student teacher told me yesterday that she was pleased with herself because she had “tricked” her students into “learning and doing work” by playing lots of games that “had good content.”
“And they thought we were just playing!” she exclaimed.
My response was this: “They were playing. Our culture has tricked you into believing that play and work are mutually exclusive.”
My problem isn’t with this student teacher (who is an amazing play advocate herself,) but with the idea that when someone is “just playing” they are “not working,” and the connected implication that work is way more IMPORTANT than play.
I’m convinced that these two beliefs—1) that play is not work and, 2) that work is more important than play—are doing a lot of damage to kids and to the adults to care for them. Namely – you.
There’s plenty of research (and more coming all the time) to show that play is very often the best way to learn, the best method for increasing productivity, creativity and problem-solving and a very effective stress-reliever for kids and adults alike (which is hugely important factor in overall health and happiness.) But still we talk and act as if play is not important, not essential.
Because I know you care about kids AND you also care about finding ways to love life yourself, I want to invite you to join me in an effort to change how we talk about work and play.
Why change our words first? Shouldn’t we go build a playground or something?
Maybe.
Read MoreMy son gave me a great gift last night. He did not do what I wanted, which cause me to feel very, very angry.
Admittedly, I did not initially recognize this situation as a gift, but over the past few years I’ve learned that anger is one of my very best friends. So, when my son facilitated Anger’s entrance into my home last night, he gave me a gift. He invited one of my best friends to come by.
Anger can be one of your best friends too, if you let it.
You may have heard that psychologists describe anger as a “secondary emotion.” That means it doesn’t just show up on its own. It follows another emotion, often hurt or sadness or fear. So, there’s always a clue to your very best life (or your greatest joys or your place of safety) hidden underneath your anger. You just need to learn how to look.
Here are the steps I took last night to hear what my anger was telling me:
Read MoreI’m guessing that most of you are pretty stressed right now.
For many teachers and for college students it’s the end of a semester packed full of final projects and papers and the stress of giving and/or receiving grades.
For moms, it’s the holidays and, as I mentioned last week, the pressure of creating perfect holiday happiness is most often felt heavily by moms, perhaps even more so for stay-at-home moms.
And some of you are teachers AND moms! You might even be a teacher, a mom AND a student – the trifecta of stress at this time of year.
So, this week I thought I’d provide a few stress relieving tips:
1) Watch this SNL skit which makes fun of political liberals post-election in the best possible way – fun for conservatives and liberals alike. Brooklyn in a Bubble. I was laughing outloud.
Read More