What If Your New Year Isn't Happy?
Happy New Year!
“All of our emotions show up for a reason . . . there is no such thing as a bad emotion.”
-Marina Nabão
What do you think of this statement from one of my favorite teachers and coaches? Do you agree?
If you’re anything like me, you may find that your conscious mind agrees, but you have some pretty strong parts of yourself that don’t.
Or perhaps you’re quite clear that you definitely disagree!
“Anger is a bad emotion,” you say. I shouldn’t feel it and I certainly shouldn’t allow it to be a motivation for my actions.
“Grief is a terrible emotion; that’s why I’m never going to ___________ (fall in love, have a pet, risk losing a friend by saying something truthful that they don’t like, etc.) again. It’s WAY too hard to feel that kind of pain.”
“Resentment? Well, that’s just wrong. Resentment is definitely a bad emotion.”
“Pride? No way. Must be avoided at all costs. After all, ‘pride goeth before a fall.’”
You may have your own special list of exceptions to the “emotions that have value” list.
“Surely, you wouldn’t include X on your list, Deb?”
I can guarantee you that whatever your forbidden emotion is. . .Yes. I would include it.
Because I believe 100% that all of your emotions have INCREDIBLE value.
In fact, in my experience, the uncomfortable and forbidden ones are usually GOLD MINES (gold mines that aren’t exploitative but result in resources shared equitably, helping whole communities and the Earth to THRIVE, of course).
I’ve written about this before and I’ll do it again. And, yup in Feel Better Do Better. we talk about the value of your emotions as guides to move you towards the life you long to live.
Why am I such a broken record on this subject?
Because I want you to get unstuck.
I want you to feel more joy and delight than you think is possible.
I want you to have so much energy and capacity for the work you want to do in the world that it seems as if you’re aging backwards.
Because the work you want to do? It matters.
The joy you want to feel? It will spread.
The fun you want to create? Sooooo many people (myself included) need you to get out there and express that gift you have for creating playful fun in the most unexpected places – like right in the middle of a serious religious service, or a stodgy corporate board meeting or smack in the middle of a refugee camp, or, yes, just right in your living room if that’s what lights you up. Because it will light other people up too.
And you can’t get your full dose of joy and fun without feeling ALL the feelings.
You can’t be alive with powerful energy if you stop up some of the most powerful energy available to you time and time again.
Leaving your body tight, contracted, numb or in pain – or all of the above.
My invitation to you is to practice feeling it all.
Practice noticing what the uncomfortable feeling feels like in your body.
Is it hot?
Does it make your chest vibrate and your hands clench?
Do you feel pressure from the tears that well up behind your eyes?
Does your body want to kick or scream?
Is the heaviness in your chest literally weighing you down?
IT’S. ALL. OKAY.
Notice that you don’t have to tell a big story about the emotion. (You probably ARE telling a big story about it — like I'm a failure; this is too hard; my partner is an asshole etc. — but notice that you you don’t HAVE to tell a story about it.)
Instead, you could notice that this emotion is connected to some sensations and urges in your body.
Now let those sensations process through your body.
How?
By moving and sounding — preferably away from other humans! This message is for you, after all, not all of humankind.
And yes, I mean literally move. Stretch, dance, stomp, shake - whatever your body wants to do. And literally make noise - yell, cry. Pretend you ARE your heavy heart and let it make some noise. Turn on some music to help you move if you’re feeling really stuck.
Let your big, uncomfortable emotions show you what matters to you.
Let your big uncomfortable emotions help you to let go of things, people or situations that aren’t working for your life anymore.
Let your big uncomfortable emotions reveal to you what you really want (even though you think you shouldn’t want it, or that you don’t deserve it.)
Feel. Listen. Then respond to what you discover.
How should you respond? I don’t know. But you will if you listen.
You’ll realize that you need to take back your automatic “yes” to be on that committee you’re already dreading.
OR
You’ll realize that as much as you want to be a good mom, you actually hate baseball games and though you’ll still go sometimes, this weekend you want to go for a walk in the woods instead.
OR
You’ll realize that as much as you wish it weren’t true, you ARE angry with your partner and you need to let them know it’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation.
OR perhaps...
Or you will know that you need to talk to someone to help you figure out what to do next, a friend, a coach like me, a therapist, your dog, a tree.
Regardless of what you choose to do, or not do, you will have given yourself and your body the gift of attention. You'll feel the freedom and power that comes when you let emotions flow through your body instead of getting stuck.
Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear.
Here’s to thriving and equity and all the big feelings that go along with the journey to both.
Deb
One area of life where big uncomfortable emotions often come up is around money. Read this blog post from Bari Tessler if you want to explore ways to work with money emotions specifically. I did her Art of Money course and found it to be transformational.