Death by Whale Bone?

Image is of a card from the Mother Mary Oracle by Alana Fairchild. Illustration by Shiloh Sophia McCloud

HELLO again to those of you who have been around awhile, and WELCOME to those who are new to the Thriving for Equity blog. This is the place where I share reflections from my own life in ways that I hope are supportive to yours as we seek together to create lives full of spaciousness and delight for ourselves and all living beings. I’m always interested in what is – and what isn’t – helpful to you. I answer every email personally, so don’t be shy. Just hit reply or email me directly at debshine@thriving4equity.com.

I love the first scene in the Shondaland Netflix series Queen Charlotte.

In it a young Charlotte, who is being given to the King of England by her brother (without her consent, of course), describes the dangers of wearing a whale-bone corset that could stab her to death should she dare to move the wrong way.

And that’s on top of how it makes breathing difficult in the first place.

I can relate. Not to the literal corset-wearing experience, but to the feeling of constriction associated with being a woman.

Recently I was meditating on the image of a mother and nursing child – a scene that was intended to evoke a sense of peace – when I became aware of my body’s contraction.

Even though I was just imagining the scene, I felt the urge to defend against it, to keep my distance.

What I could see as I reflected on this image, is how often I have experienced heart-to-heart connection with another human as being synonymous with a kind of psychological suffocation - particularly in relation to mothering (“a good mother always sacrifices herself for her children”) and being mothered (“I should be happy; I should be good.”).

My life has been full of love, care and material support (to include from my very dedicated stay-at-home mom), but still as a woman, a daughter, a mother, a girl and that sense of suffocation and constriction has often been an accurate reflection of my experience. I worked hard to fit the mold required for acceptance and approval.

And I know from the stories of virtually every client I’ve ever worked with that I am not alone.

Corsets weren’t created by accident.

They are literal, external representations of what was happening to women in the places where they were worn – colonial empires that were being built up through violence and force against (mostly brown and black) peoples and communities that had resources the empire wanted to take and use for itself. I’m not saying that their suffering was equivalent to that of the colonized countries.

These women lived in places of wealth and power. But they were kept from fully exercising their power. constricted and shaped into what would serve the Empire.

So, they would not make trouble. Or seek to change the status quo.

What I want to say here – especially to those readers (female or not) who can feel that metaphorical corset tightening around your body, constricting your breath, crushing your bones and even endangering your life should you move in inappropriate ways . . .

The time of Empire is ending.

And you can choose, as Queen Charlotte does in Episode 5 – to exercise your power to say “No more!”

You can learn to claim and use your power in new ways. Ways that open new possibilities, that literally breathe new life into your body and the world.

Like Shonda Rhimes did in creating a Black Queen Charlotte and playing with the possibilities that might have emerged if the British Empire had experimented with racial integration decades ago.

In the series, Queen Charlotte isn’t perfect. Her mothering skills, for example, we’re not her strong suit. But she does find ways to claim her authority to make some positive changes within a context in which she still has many constraints.

You do not have all choices available to you. But you do have choices.

You will not be perfect in your choosing. But you can choose in alignment with your values, and learn from your mistakes.

Sometimes the price of choosing the freedom to breathe is high. I have lost relationships, my religion (and the community that came with it) and a nice salary along my journey.

Sometimes the change that comes from new choices is easy and peaceful. I’m learning to be open to that possibility - and finding that as I am it happens more often!

I believe the world is tilting toward more of the latter, but even when the cost is high, I’ve found it to be well worth it.

We can create a world in which all life has space to breathe.

Let’s start by removing our own corsets and taking in full deep breaths of fresh air.

May you breathe deeply today. May the birds and trees support you. May the ocean show you how. May people surprise you in all the best ways.

May you thrive.