You Can Be Sensitive AND Be a Bad Ass, Part 2
Hello Courageous Thrivers,
Last week I wrote to the sensitive souls on this list (which I imagine is quite a few of you) and shared a couple important steps to take if you want to learn how to work with your sensitivity in ways that will help you to love yourself and enjoy your life more—without having to become someone you weren’t created to be.
As a quick review:
Step 1 is to choose names and identities for yourself that are kind and help you celebrate and enjoy who you are, sensitivities and big emotions included.
Step 2 is to create the support systems you need to function well and stay emotionally stable, given who YOU are—not who someone else (or the critic in your head) thinks you should be.
But I said I hoped you wouldn’t stop there—because even sensitive, empathetic humans can increase our capacity to face, hold, and process suffering—our own and that of others.
Just like weak people can build stronger muscles.
For a long time, I didn’t realize it was possible to increase emotional “muscles.” But it is. So, here’s your invitation to start “working out.” Because the world needs us to be operating at our best—and that means not getting taken out, or taken over, by big feelings when there’s life to be enjoyed and work to be done.
It can be easy to take on the label “sensitive” (or “depressed” or “anxious” or “shy”) and use it as an excuse to avoid growing our capacity to be a compassionate witness to the suffering of others—and ourselves—and to take the actions that are ours to take.
Holding onto these labels as if they’re identities doesn’t leave room for the amazing possibilities of growth we have available to us as humans. Growth that will help us do our work in the world and follow our aliveness wherever it leads. Which (bonus!) then helps us feel more confident and joyful.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not letting the label of “sensitive” keep me from being courageous and sharing love, healing, and joy. Especially now.
I am determined to continue increasing my capacity to do my work in the world. To “follow my aliveness,” as Mark Nepo says, and to share the goodness I find with others.
Step 3: Increase Your Capacity – some options
Talk about what’s good.
This practice can be quite difficult for people like me who feel more comfortable connecting around suffering or injustice, or the next problem that needs solving. It can even feel unsafe. As if, when we’re happy or seem to be doing well, we won’t get the connection and care we need.
Give yourself a new mantra.
There’s a reason why Glennon Doyle’s podcast is titled We Can Do Hard Things. She’s a sensitive, empathetic soul and introvert—and, like many women (especially privileged white women), was socialized to fall apart and need saving more than she was taught that she is strong and can rise to challenges.
So she started reminding herself (and us) that “We can do hard things.”
Most women of color already know they can do hard things—because they didn’t have a choice in the current historical and social context.
Borrow Glennon’s mantra if it works for you—or create your own.
Perhaps: “I can be sensitive AND be bad ass at the same time.”
For me, that was a big shift: changing my thought from “this is too hard” to some version of “this is hard and I am strong.”
Hang around people who exemplify this combo.
Spend more time with people who are both sensitive and powerful. It might mean spending less time in groups that seem stuck in a loop of “I’m a [fill in disempowering identity here].”
Or with people who (goddess bless them, I know this cycle well) complain about injustice and their own suffering but take very little action on either front.
Or with people who don’t see your strength. I’ve had to make these choices lately.
Go to a place where people who ARE taking action hang out—maybe a conference or a social event.
Or start by soaking in empowering books and podcasts.
Lean into your edges—regularly.
I feel scared about the silliest things sometimes. Like going to a new coffee shop. On one day, something simple like that might be your edge—one small step of engaging with humankind instead of hiding.
Another day it might be showing up at a film screening about your city’s history of police violence. Or joining a book club focused on collective liberation. Or hosting one. Or going to a protest.
Or filming ICE agents and asking for their ID and whether they have a signed warrant when you witness them abducting people.
Find one (or more) growth buddies.
Most likely, you’ll need some buddies to help you make sure you’re taking regular action to increase your capacity—like I need a personal trainer or exercise buddy in order to strength train.
Technically, I “should” be able to do it without (says my mind), but unused exercise equipment and video trainings prove I need accountability. Compassionate accountability. But accountability just the same.
Of course, all of these are ongoing processes—and this isn’t an exhaustive list.
We practice care and kindness.
We give our souls what they need—even when it seems ridiculous.
AND we build our “daily life” muscles a little more, so that we can handle more today than we could the day before.
There’s been some crashing and burning for me in recent months.
AND there’s been some expansion of my capacity at the same time.
I look forward to sharing what comes from all of it with you in the coming months.
In the meantime, I hope you’ll find time to enjoy the long days of summer (if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere) by watching a sunrise or sunset this week.
Your sensitive soul will love it.
Here’s to thriving and equity,
Deb
Resources:
📖 Book: Pathological by Sarah Fay
I loved this memoir for the myths of “scientific” mental health diagnoses it uncovers and the very personal story of a woman’s journey through mental health challenges—toward defining life more on her own terms and beginning to do more than just survive.
🎵 Song: Unfolding by Luca Fogale
Favorite line: “You are not broken. You are unfolding.”
🎙️ Podcast: Fierce Vulnerability: A Conversation with Kazu Haga on Trauma and Violence on Nonviolence Radio
After listening, the book by the same title is now on my short list.
🌐 Membership: Create the Future Club by Andréa Ranae Johnson
Join as a founding member of my friend and colleague Andréa Ranae Johnsons’ new Create the Future Club. It’s a space “for the big feelers, dreamers, and change-seekers who want to practice what it means to live a more just and loving world into existence.”