Learning to be a B+ Student
How to Overcome Perfectionism and Shame
Hello Courageous Thrivers,
I’m currently in the practice of learning to be a B+ student in my own life.
Maybe even a C student sometimes.
Does that horrify you?
If so, maybe you’ve leaned on perfectionism to justify your existence in the world.
I’m not saying it’s never appropriate to aim for a metaphorical (or actual) A.
What I’m working with here is how perfectionism limits choice.
And when we believe we don’t have a choice, we are in a disempowered place.
And I want all the marginalized people in the world to be living from a place of personal power.
“Perfectionism can’t take you where your soul wants to go.”
Perfectionism is very often — maybe always — a trauma response.
It was a way we learned to cope with threat.
Usually, the threat of not belonging or not being loved.
It made sense when we first started using it.
But if you want a vibrant, radiant, love-honoring life of impact, perfectionism can’t take you there.
I recently heard Integrated Health Coach Ali Shapiro connect frustration, perfectionism, and goals in a way that really resonated with me:
“Nature designed frustration to teach us what isn’t working and to iterate from there. However, if you tend towards perfectionism, you make this frustration mean you’re wrong. And you detach from your own goals.”
I wonder — even (and perhaps especially) if you consider yourself an overachiever —
where have you detached from your own goals or dreams because you got frustrated?
Maybe you’re a badass at work, but you’ve wanted a better marriage for a decade and have resigned yourself to just “dealing with it.”
Maybe you’re doing heart-centered volunteer work that you love, but you’re still avoiding raising your prices to meet your income goals.
Maybe you’re a great parent and friend, but you keep putting off going after the work you really want — even after earning the degree you thought would give you the confidence to move forward.
Choosing Compassion Over Control
The thing is, perfectionism leads to shame.
Constant shame.
Which is super uncomfortable and completely disempowering.
And then it leads us to freeze.
Freezing is a trauma response — one of the least empowered ways to deal with threat.
(Alongside “fawning,” which is when you try to make the powerful folks happy so they won’t hurt you — a go-to for many of us socialized as women. But that’s a discussion for another day.)
Animals freeze or play dead only when they can’t run or fight.
For brilliant, talented women, nonbinary, and trans humans, the freeze that follows the shame of perfectionism can look like:
Numbing out with food, alcohol, social media, or shopping
Working harder and longer on things that aren’t actually what your heart and soul care most about (I once saw a video call this “productive procrastination” — I saw myself all over it!)
Convincing yourself it’s not time yet — that you’re not ready or don’t really want it anyway
I’ve done all of the above — which is why I’m strengthening my B+ muscles.
I’m practicing being a B+ teacher.
A B+ eater.
A B+ exerciser.
A B+ business owner.
As a result, I’m still showing up for my goals.
I’m taking small steps consistently (notice I said consistently, not perfectly).
And I’m using less of my energy to hate on myself.
What about you?
Is there a dream or goal you’re willing to return to — in a different way — instead of letting it go?
It can be scary to hope again.
It can be scary to take small, imperfect action.
But I’m here for you if you want to give it a try.
Deb
Reflection: Why Being a B+ Student Is a Radical Act
Q: How do I start overcoming perfectionism?
A: Begin by noticing where you freeze or fawn instead of act. Gentle, consistent movement — not flawless execution — builds confidence.
Q: Why does perfectionism lead to shame?
A: Because perfectionism demands control over what can’t be controlled. Compassion breaks that loop.
Additional Reading
If you resonated with this reflection on perfectionism and self-compassion, you might also enjoy:
If perfectionism has kept you running too fast for too long, Slow and Steady might remind you what it means to move at a sustainable pace.
For practical ideas to soften overwhelm, see Feeling Stressed? Try This.
If this reflection spoke to you, and you’re craving a slower, more embodied way to do the urgent work of change, learn more about my 1:1 coaching.