Posts in Especially for Moms
Celebrating the Wisdom of Teens—Really!

I’m ridiculously amazed at how much my son has grown in the past few weeks while I’ve been conducting what I think of as my “compassionate observation experiment.” 

My intention during this time was to focus on replacing instruction from me about what he should do and be with compassionate observation of who he is already, where it seems he wants to go, and how it works best for him to get there.

It’s an experiment that builds on the belief that he is already good and wise at the core of his being (even as a teenager!) and therefore, that he knows more about what’s best for him than I do.  (For my college-aged readers, I want you to know especially that I believe this about you too.)

Side note: This is the idea that academic and life coaching is based on too and that’s why I love it so much.  It opens a whole realm of untapped wisdom that we often overlook.  

This belief in the inherent wisdom of individuals contrasts with dominant views about teenagers that emphasize their poor judgement, lack of knowledge and experience, and resulting need for lots of adult instruction and control over their lives.

There’s some truth to this more deficit-based perspective as well, of course.  Teens do, in fact, have undeveloped brains with some significant disconnections between the logical, rational part of the brain and the parts that determine their emotions and actions.  They often do need adults to “connect the dots.” 

Still, teens (mine included) tend to get PLENTY of instruction and control from parents and teachers and counselors etc.  In this experiment, I wanted to tip the scales a bit in the other direction. 

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineparenting, history, African Americans, compassion, celebrationComment
What Do You See? What Do You See?

As you know if you read my post last week, I’ve been observing my younger son closely—taking a break from giving him instructions about how he should live his life. (Yes, I still tell him to put his dishes in the dishwasher!)  I must say it’s been a really fun experiment! 

I don’t know how all the energy stuff works in the world, and though I think there’s some truth in it, I also think there are some serious gaps/errors in the whole Law of Attraction/The Secret idea—you know, the “what you think about is what you get” concept. 

But at the same time, I’ve certainly found that my own experiments with changing my focus and my stories about life, focusing on what’s good, using my imagination in positive ways to envision what I hope for, often have a hugely positive impact in my actual, physical life.

This is one of those times. 

During the past week, it’s as if I opened a door to growth for my son, just by backing off and observing him with a spirit of compassion and curiosity.

It may be coincidence (the only way to know will be to keep trying new experiments to see if a pattern appears), but without my prodding in the past week he’s moved out towards: 1) doing something he loves in the arts AND, 2) conquering the ever-illusive concepts of geometry in his own way.  These were goals his dad and I had for him, but our rules and plans about how he should reach them had thus far had little effect.

In addition, I’ve noticed that he’s responding to his dad and me in more mature ways in relation to the responsibilities and expectations we have for him, expressing his own desires and preferences in ways that leave room for us to work out a plan that feels good to all of us. 

For example, on Sunday I wanted him to go put his clothes in the dryer at a time when he didn’t want to do it.  I said I didn’t want to go to bed without feeling sure that it was going to happen.  Rather than getting defensive or yelling something to the effect of “I’m fifteen.  Why can’t you just trust me!  I’ll get it done!”  He said, “If I don’t do it, no screens for me tomorrow.”  I said, “Okay, that works.”  And when I woke up in the morning the clothes were done.  Win. Win.

I also learned that he doesn’t just like music, or rap, he likes “lyrical rap” specifically.  This is a new term for me.  And it’s given me a hint about how I might be able to help him move in a direction he’s interested in. 

It struck me that I’ve been practicing this kind of curious and compassionate observation, not only with him, but with myself—and with similar positive results.  (Maybe next I’ll try it with my husband!) 

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineparenting, finding your joy, making personal change, African Americans, historyComment
Moms: I know it's the holidays, but this one's for you

What would it mean for you to love and nurture yourself without apology?

Pondering this question is a good place to start a journey to find that energized, loving, full-of-life YOU that you haven’t seen much of lately. 

I find that for most women (myself included) and some men too, the thought of loving and nurturing oneself without apology is practically unfathomable.  It short circuits our brains.  We feel confused.  Is that even right?  Possible?

Isn’t there something wrong with even asking the question?

There are many reasons for our discomfort.

Some are undoubtedly very personal, but many are much bigger than our individual selves.  They are rooted in stories we’ve heard our whole lives:  about good girls and bad girls, good moms and bad moms, good Christians and bad Christians—you get the idea.

Our discomfort with idea of loving and nurturing ourselves without apology for all the messed-up parts, for all the parts that don’t fit the ideal, is rooted in lessons taught to us directly and indirectly, often by well-meaning adults. 

These lessons convince us deep within our souls that we should apologize for taking up space in the world, for having needs, for having opinions, for wanting to be valued for our work, for feeling strong emotions.  For many women, there is also an unconscious apology we make for the mistake of being born female in the first place.  And if you are a woman who is a member of another undervalued or oppressed group too—if you’re brown-skinned, or poor, or have a physical disability—you know even more stories that encourage you to apologize for being who you are.

“I’m sorry to bother you” we say to the sales clerk whose job it is to help us find and purchase what we need or to the professor whose job it is to answer our questions during his office hours. 

“Please forgive me, but may I make a suggestion?” we say as we seek to insert ourselves into a discussion about a topic about which we have more expertise than any of the men in the room who have been easily talking over each other for the past 45 minutes. 

These are small examples, but there are bigger ones too.  For moms especially, there are often much bigger examples of the ways we apologize for who we are.  And this is a problem, not only for ourselves, but for our children and—I would argue—for the world.

Very often as moms we apologize for having needs, or desires, or goals of our own without even realizing that we have done so.  

We bury them.  We silence them.  We numb them.  We silence ourselves and our needs before we even get to an outward apology for their intrusion.  We apologize through our actions.  How?

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Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, parenting Comment
A Really Common Belief that's Hurting You and Your Kids

I’m going to go a tiny bit “professor” on you today.  I hope you’ll forgive me!  I’ll try to make sure that the learning is fun – because making work playful is really kind of the point of this “lesson.”

Without getting too philosophical or delving too deeply into my historical research on the American Play Movement—which is what brought play into schools and simultaneously defined it as less important than the “real work” of academics— I want to encourage you to consider that the very common belief “play is the opposite of work” might be very, very bad for kids, and adults too, for that matter. 

Here’s what got me thinking about this today:  A student teacher told me yesterday that she was pleased with herself because she had “tricked” her students into “learning and doing work” by playing lots of games that “had good content.”  

“And they thought we were just playing!” she exclaimed.

My response was this: “They were playing.  Our culture has tricked you into believing that play and work are mutually exclusive.”  

My problem isn’t with this student teacher (who is an amazing play advocate herself,) but with the idea that when someone is “just playing” they are “not working,” and the connected implication that work is way more IMPORTANT than play.  

I’m convinced that these two beliefs—1) that play is not work and, 2) that work is more important than play—are doing a lot of damage to kids and to the adults to care for them.  Namely – you.  

There’s plenty of research (and more coming all the time) to show that play is very often the best way to learn, the best method for increasing productivity, creativity and problem-solving and a very effective stress-reliever for kids and adults alike (which is hugely important factor in overall health and happiness.) But still we talk and act as if play is not important, not essential.

Because I know you care about kids AND you also care about finding ways to love life yourself, I want to invite you to join me in an effort to change how we talk about work and play.  

Why change our words first?  Shouldn’t we go build a playground or something?  

Maybe.

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentinestress relief, self-care, historyComment
Anger: One of Your Soul’s Best Friends

My son gave me a great gift last night.  He did not do what I wanted, which cause me to feel very, very angry. 

Admittedly, I did not initially recognize this situation as a gift, but over the past few years I’ve learned that anger is one of my very best friends.  So, when my son facilitated Anger’s entrance into my home last night, he gave me a gift.  He invited one of my best friends to come by.

Anger can be one of your best friends too, if you let it. 

You may have heard that psychologists describe anger as a “secondary emotion.”  That means it doesn’t just show up on its own.  It follows another emotion, often hurt or sadness or fear.  So, there’s always a clue to your very best life (or your greatest joys or your place of safety) hidden underneath your anger.  You just need to learn how to look.

Here are the steps I took last night to hear what my anger was telling me:

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Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, anger, parenting Comments
Feeling Stressed? Try This.

I’m guessing that most of you are pretty stressed right now. 

For many teachers and for college students it’s the end of a semester packed full of final projects and papers and the stress of giving and/or receiving grades. 

For moms, it’s the holidays and, as I mentioned last week, the pressure of creating perfect holiday happiness is most often felt heavily by moms, perhaps even more so for stay-at-home moms.

And some of you are teachers AND moms!  You might even be a teacher, a mom AND a student – the trifecta of stress at this time of year.

So, this week I thought I’d provide a few stress relieving tips:

1)     Watch this SNL skit which makes fun of political liberals post-election in the best possible way – fun for conservatives and liberals alike.  Brooklyn in a Bubble.  I was laughing outloud.

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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, stress relief Comment
Welcoming the Mess of Thanksgiving

It’s Thanksgiving, so I imagine that very few of my readers will be tied to the computer anxiously awaiting my Thriving Thursday thoughts.  For the few of you who are in such need of distraction that you’ve decided to show up, I hope you will find room here for exactly whatever it is that you are experiencing today.

Holidays are complicated.  And part of the complication is that we think that they “should” be simple, uncomplicated and happy—like in the movies.  The pressure for perfection is often especially heavy for moms who feel that they must orchestrate everyone else's holiday happiness.  And that idea brings pressure for kids too—who are supposed to be happy (or at least act happy)—as a result of all the work that goes into creating this perfection.  

So today, more than anything I just want to give you room to have your holiday be whatever it is—which is most likely a big complicated mess of happy and sad, perfect and imperfect, horrible and beautiful. 
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Especially for Educators, Especially for MomsDeb Shine Valentineself-care, historyComment