Tips from a 5k Failure
Some images from a morning training run.
“Don’t use every opportunity to feel bad about yourself.”
Michelle Boulé
A few years ago, I ran a 5k and I shared some tips I learned in the process. You can read that post here.
This year, as you know if you’ve been here over the past few weeks, I signed up for a 5k again.
It happened on Thanksgiving morning.
I was not there. I didn’t run.
So today I want to share a few tips from a 5k failure.
Tip #1: Separate who you are from what you did, said, didn’t do, etc. – whatever it is that you’re viewing as a failure.
Notice how it feels in your body when you believe “I am a failure.”
In my body, I notice my shoulders feel heavy and want to curl forward, my pelvic floor contracts, and my stomach feels like it has a small boulder inside.
Notice what emotions you feel.
I typically feel discouraged, dismayed, hopeless, sometimes angry, critical and judgmental towards myself or others and the feelings quite quickly start to expand well beyond the original issue to all areas of my life. I find myself thinking I’m fat, ugly and old as I walk past the mirror. I feel furious that my husband can’t manage to hang up his coat etc. etc.
Now ask yourself: When you’re thinking the thought “I am a failure” and feeling the feelings and sensations that go along with it, does it help you keep moving forward towards what you want?
Well, then. Might it serve you to choose another thought?
You might try out the opposite, “I am not a failure” or “I am a success” and then look for evidence (ala Byron Katie’s The Work) that this new thought might be as true or more true than the first thought. Which leads me to …
Tip #2: When you don’t meet a goal you set, take time to notice all the ways that your “failure” was a success.
As humans we are made to learn through “failure.” We learn to walk by trying and falling down. We learn to ride a bike by trying and falling down. We learn to have great sex by having some not great sex, adjusting who or how or when or why we have it and trying again. We learn to write beautifully by writing what Anne Lamott calls Shitty First Drafts.
From this perspective, there really is no such thing as failure. There’s just learning. And you got learning, so . . . success!
In my case, there were SO MANY ways that my attempt to train for and run a 5k was a success. For example, I got out to run/walk several times a day for several weeks during fall and experienced extreme joy giving high fives to the beautiful trees. My husband and I went to downtown Baltimore twice to run, which was fun and gave us a new experience of the city. My husband got inspired and joined the Y and is now working out daily. We both got new running shoes which we’ve been needing. There’s more, but that’s enough evidence to support the possibility that my efforts were a success.
Which also leads me to ….
Tip #3: See the quote above from my current business and life coach. “Don’t use every opportunity to feel bad about yourself.”
I noticed that this is something I do. Every moment it seems I’m looking to see whether I’ve succeeded or failed. It’s exhausting. I’m stopping it in favor of assuming I’m already good enough, looking towards what I want, and taking a next step. I invite you to do the same.
And finally…
Tip #4: For goodness sakes when you’re stuck in self-flagellation and discouragement, please get some help!
It’s not a problem to ask for a crutch when your leg is broken.
It’s wise to keep nourishing your body if you want to stay well.
It’s being a good steward of your resources to invest in what matters to you and in people whose work you value.
I am a life and leadership coach and I almost always have one or more coaches myself. WE. ALL. DESERVE. TO. HAVE. HELP. And we all need connection and support. Because that’s how humans are made. Even those of us who are introverts are social beings.
Right now I have a business and life coach, and a financial coach (with my husband) both of whom I pay more than what I charge my clients because I want to keep moving forward towards financial thriving and they are ahead of me on the road. I know I need to stretch myself a bit to get there too.
I also have a colleague who is a coach that I trade sessions with. We help each other with whatever shows up. We’re trading for now because it feels good to both of us, but if that changes, we’ll shift the agreement.
I have healers and teachers that I hire – for acupuncture, massage, reiki, physical therapy, energy work, plant medicine, and retreats. Some of them are friends and sometimes we just help each other out for free, but lots of the time we hire each other. And love doing so.
But you don’t have to pay for help if that’s not your jam.
You can call a friend – someone who will listen with empathy, but won’t buy into your story of doom.
You can follow a podcast that can help you snap out of the shame spiral – perhaps Amanda Kemps Mother Tree Network, or Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us. If you want some encouragement for your sex life - check out Layla Martin. For your finances, check out Jaquette Timmons (she’s our current financial coach) podcast More Than Money.
You can go play with a dog and take in their joy in your presence.
You can show up at your faith community or gym or another group where you feel loved and valued.
You can lean against a tree and ask for help from Mama Earth.
Just don’t go it alone. That’s just silly.
Tip #5: Move the goal; don’t give it up (unless you REALLY don’t want it anymore).
I’m going to run a 5k. I still want it. I’m still moving towards it – going to PT, strengthening muscles that can support my knees, and trying out new shoes to see if they work better.
I just moved the date back.
Didn’t make your financial goal for this month? Look for the learning. Move the goal. Keep moving forward.
Sex life or relationship isn’t what you want and you’ve been trying to make it better for the past few months, or years? Decide if you still want to work on the one you have and if so, read more books, get more help, have the hard conversations, but don’t give up, move the goal back a bit.
Haven’t left that job you’d planned to leave by the end of this year? What’s the next step you need to take to move in the direction of leaving in 6 months? Take it. And then take the next one.
And remember that in the end, the goal isn’t the thing. The goal is the curriculum-creator. It’s the light at the end of the path that helps you to start walking down the path that will help you to become more of who you are meant to be.
And you are meant to be filled with delight, joy, love, wonder and courage. We all are.
Here’s to thriving and equity,
Deb
P.S. We haven’t gotten any answers to our book give-away question, so the first two people to respond to the question from last week’s blog (check your inbox from Nov. 24) will get a free copy of Feel Better. Do Better.
P.P.S. If you’re in Baltimore on Dec. 13, stop by Spirits of Mt. Vernon and meet me and contributing authors Tamara Robinson and Dave Valentine, grab a glass of wine (or a bottle of Scotch) and hear about how pleasure can power you up for your big work in the world.
When you’re ready . . .
What do you want so badly that you hardly let yourself admit it because you can’t see how it could be possible? What if it is?
I’ve got space for two new 1:1 clients to start in December and a group program coming up in February.
Sign up for a Clarity Call here.
Client Testimonial
I recently told my husband that Deb is the person who helped me find happiness!
When we first talked, I had some pretty apocalyptic visions of my life. Now I feel more confident about my ability to move out of a funk, which has been really helpful. The biggest thing that’s changed is my relationship to perfectionism – beginning to see how it works in me and how not to entertain it. I’m gentler on myself. I no longer believe that I’m failing. I accept my own limitations and as a result, I’m able to support others – even people that annoy me! I’ve found myself asking coaching questions with others too – in my pastoral and leadership work. I feel like I’ve got some traction now; I’m not just spinning my wheels.
Megan Holloway