And still I flossed my teeth: Reflections on discipline

Written By Deb Shine Valentine

Hello Courageous Thrivers,

Last night I flossed my teeth before I went to bed.

This is significant because after yet another visit to the dentist — during which my gums bled — he asked if I’d been flossing, and I said what I always say:
“Sometimes.”
And he said, “You need to floss every day.”
And I said, “I’ll do better.”

Which is what I said last time.
And the time before.

But this time something clicked.
And I’ve been flossing every morning and night consistently for a couple of weeks now.

Morning and night flossing is working for me because:

  • Humans more easily create new habits built on top of old ones (see the work of Stanford researcher B.J. Fogg), so flossing every time I brush requires less effort than doing it only once.

  • I can miss either morning or night and still avoid falling into black-and-white thinking, shame, guilt, or the heaviness of failure. (Yes, I am that dramatic about a small failure of discipline.) This way, I just floss the next time. No biggie.

  • The third reason (who knew someone who’s not a dentist could talk for so long about flossing, huh?) is that one of the biggest barriers to consistent flossing for me was trying to do it at THE BEST TIME — which, according to the powers that be, is before bed.

But I’m often too tired at bedtime.
I don’t like getting my pajama sleeves wet.
So instead of flossing at THE BEST TIME, I often flossed not at all. 

This new plan lets me release the rigid perfectionism of “the right time,” which is leading to more actual action — instead of perfect plans left unexecuted.

This combo of disciplined commitment + nonjudgmental flexibility is something I’m weaving into many areas of my life — especially in the routines and structures that support JOY and HEALTH in my work and body.

(For those of you who follow astrology: Saturn in Pisces is currently in my 6th house, and this focus is right on time. Saturn says it’s time for one last swipe at these habits before he moves into Aries — the site of my Saturn return. What house is Saturn in for you? We’re here until February 2026.)

Another example: Chick-fil-A

I love aligning my spending with my values. I delight in:

  • Supporting small, local, women- and BIPOC-owned businesses

  • Buying meat from farmers who practice regenerative methods

  • Boycotting companies with anti-LGBTQ+ or racist policies (overt or covert)

And I also have a part of me that secretly judges other people’s purchases, even if I try to keep that part hidden.

But/and/also: I am not pure, moral, or ethical in all moments.
It’s both humbling and freeing to admit that.

Last week, I consciously let myself buy dinner at Chick-fil-A.
A “wrong” choice on many levels.

But here’s the thing:
I could feel, energetically, that if I kept overthinking it — trying to be perfectly righteous — I’d be feeding the same kind of moral purity that leads Bible scholars to call feminist theologian Meggan Watterson a “whore”…

Because she dares to teach about the early Christ movement.
Because she dares to uplift scriptures centered on women’s leadership and inner authority — writings that were literally buried by empire-builders.

That same energy is behind ICE raids.
It builds prisons.
It targets people who speak Spanish and have brown skin.

I want all the energy and resources currently invested in punishment and judgment redirected toward Love and Grace and Community.

But my inner “I’m more righteous than you” part is strong.
So sometimes, I do the “wrong” thing to quiet her down.
To keep her honest.
Because none of us is perfectly pure.

As Bryan Stevenson writes in Just Mercy:

“None of us should be judged on the basis of the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

Not even the worst thing we’ve done recently.

What I’m finding, paradoxically, is that my path to more consistent discipline — in service of my biggest dreams and desires —
is not through rigidity.

It’s through:

  • Keeping commitments even when I don’t feel like it
    AND

  • Relaxing about the whole thing when I don’t

What’s your relationship to discipline?

Do you have a constant “should I or shouldn’t I?” dialogue running in your head like I do?

What helps you quiet that voice — and still move forward?

And most importantly… do you floss your teeth every day? 🙂

I’m so curious! Hit reply and let me know.

Deb

RESOURCES:

Here’s one option:
👉 Donate to Baltimore Safe Haven to support the trans community with food, shelter, and mental health care.
(Or maybe… you need to humble your inner good girl and do something “bad” to get the Love flowing. Who am I to throw the first stone?)

Deb Shine Valentine
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