Controversial Grace
Grace isn’t always gentle — sometimes it’s the courage to be misunderstood.
Hello Courageous Thrivers,
“What are you afraid of?” Andréa asked.
“That People of Color will say, ‘How dare you say white privileged women have anything hard to deal with?!’” I said.
“It will happen,” she said. “And you can handle it.” This reminded me of something Maya Angelou once shared about how self-love and lineage can help us walk into hard spaces with more steadiness.
“You understand why they would feel that way. You can empathize — and also, you know what you’re after in your work. It’s white people, not People of Color.”
The Courage to Be Misunderstood
And with that (and years of circling around), I am clear on the work that is mine to do.
And I have to say, many parts of me don’t like it.
In Andréa’s words, I’m gonna need to “get comfy with being misunderstood and unseen.”
That, dear reader, is my worst nightmare.
Evidently, it’s also a big part of my work in the world.
No wonder I’ve been in rejection school all year — and with an extra dose of not being understood over the past few months.
I needed these challenges to prepare for what’s next.
I shed a lot of tears last night as I held that part of me that REALLY doesn’t want to sign up for being misunderstood.
I felt the ouch of how essential it will be to meet myself with grace and self-compassion as I step out to meet other white privileged women with grace — in public.
Not just behind closed doors, as I’ve been doing for the past few years.
I felt how true it is that I will need to go into this work with my people around me — the ones who remind me who I am when I lose track, and who can help me sort through feedback so I can learn from what’s useful and let go of the rest.
Unexpected Clarity
My husband was excited when I told him.
“You’ve been wanting clarity,” he said. “It sounds like you have it.”
It’s true. I feel the truth of it.
My work — though part of the broader movements of feminist abolition and collective liberation — is to hold space for white people.
Specifically, good-hearted white people who’ve done, are doing, and want to do more in service of racial justice, but who are facing burnout and exhaustion, shut out, and isolation.
My work is for white women who feel as if their efforts are never good enough, especially as the anger of BIPOC people toward white women increases.
We’re told our tears are dangerous and that we must not cry in racially mixed company — and yet our hearts feel big feelings when we face the truths of racial harm in our midst.
We’re blindsided when we’re suddenly pushed out of groups or cut off by friends and colleagues who now want to be only with other BIPOC people.
But if we express grief, sadness, or confusion over that loss, we’re told we’re “just not comfortable not being in the center.”
We’re told we’re wrong, bad — maybe even that we’ll be blocked.
The Impossible Binds of Good Intentions
We understand the anger.
As a group, white women absolutely keep failing our sisters of color.
We genuinely want to honor their critiques, their anger, and their distancing from us.
And yet, we feel caught in impossible binds — and can’t always see a way forward.
An Invitation to Walk Together
I’m going to start writing and talking more about these impossible binds — the ones impacting white, multi-privileged women in particular ways because of how we’ve been socialized and positioned.
I’m creating a new community on Substack — a space where we can gather with compassion, alongside challenge and accountability, for our continued journey.
A place where we can be the imperfect humans that we are and where we can practice shame-free growth.
Yikes.
If you’re a white woman with a lot of privileges and you know what I’m talking about, email me and let me know. Because our shame and unworthiness aren’t helping anyone. Neither is the exhaustion that comes from trying (and failing) to get everything right.
Here’s to thriving and equity for all of us, even for you
Deb
P.P.S For BIPOG readers, I hope you know that even as I focus my coaching work on white women, my commitment to standing beside you and with you, and to keep growing my capacity to take courageous action has not wavered. It’s just getting stronger. I love you.
Reflection: Grace in the Midst of Discomfort
Q: What does controversial grace mean?
A: Grace for those deemed unworthy to receive it due to the privileges they hold, and/or the harm they've done and/or benefitted from.
Q: How does self-compassion support collective liberation?
A: First and most importantly, from my perspective, is that it is the micro version of what we say we want on the macro level. If our world is going to get healed we are going to need to be able to give and receive grace. As bell hooks and other feminist leaders say, we start with love. (Radical Self-Love says Sonya Renee Taylor). Shame shuts us down and drains our energy. Self-compassion helps us stay in the work — not from guilt, but from love and grounded responsibility.
Q: How can white women practice grace without avoidance?
A: By showing up together and practicing be with the messy both/ands with others who are committed to collective liberation and justice. We will and do cause harm AND we are also worthy of love and compassion, for example. We do it by practicing together to let go of perfectionism, anxiety, insecurity, and control (while also recognizing all the very understandable reasons that we hold onto them). We do it by connecting with trusted others to challenge and support each other, learn and grow, as we take imperfect action, small step by small step, over our lifetimes.
If you’re feeling the pull to stay in the work without losing yourself in shame or exhaustion, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. Learn more about my 1:1 coaching.